Challenge #1: Parenting Style
Many modern parents have adopted a permissive parenting style, possibly because their parents used an authoritarian style and they chose to go to the other extreme in an effort to raise their children differently than they were raised. In times of stress, the pendulum can swing from one extreme (permissive parenting) to the other (authoritarian parenting).
Today’s parents are working longer hours and the distinction between work and home has blurred, explains Quam. This hectic pace increases the likelihood that parents will “helicopter” over their child so they can’t make their own choices or mistakes. Permissive parents may also encourage cooperation or try to make up for their absence by buying things for their child.
Alternatively, parents may try to reclaim control of the household by becoming rigid, harsh and inflexible in their interactions with their child. In an authoritarian household, there’s a great deal of structure and consistency, but the child loses all sense of personal power.
The Solution
SUWS of the Carolinas asks parents to provide an honest self-appraisal of their parenting style and work to provide greater consistency, structure, follow-through and support. At the wilderness program’s two-day parent workshops, the staff helps parents play a more authoritative, consultative role – the happy medium of parenting styles.
When both parents are working to achieve the same goals, the teen knows what to expect and there is less stress within the family. Finding the ideal blend of warmth and firmness is no easy task, but it can help teens feel cared for and safe.
“The initial goal for most families is to make a 5 percent change in a healthy direction,” says Quam. “Turning their lives upside down isn’t sustainable or necessary. It’s the gradual shift that makes a lasting impact.”
Challenge #2: Secure Attachments
The way a teenager functions in the world is directly related to the quality of their attachments to family. Healthy attachment affects a child’s brain development, values and social tendencies, and emotional intelligence.
“Teenagers need to feel connected to the secure base of the family system for healthy development,” says Moffitt. “Research shows that when a child’s basic emotional needs are met, they have more to give back to the significant relationships in their lives.”
The Solution
According to Quam and Moffitt, there are a number of ways to create emotional openness in the family system:
Slow down and work to resolve conflicts rather than avoiding them
Stay focused on the present moment
Spend more quality time as a family
Provide firm, fair boundaries and follow through consistently
Learn how to identify and communicate emotions using “I feel” statements
Challenge #3: Family Rituals
Rituals are key aspects of a child’s development in most ancient cultures. When families lack healthy rituals, they sometimes create their own. These are often negative, such as a teenager being initiated into a gang or using drugs, dad working longer hours to avoid being home, or mom isolating herself to cope. Over time, these negative rituals begin to break up the family system.
The Solution
SUWS of the Carolinas’ wilderness therapy program is built on a rites of passage model with the following stages:
Separation – A period of time away from the comfort of home and family
Initiation – Training and developing new skills
Return – Parents reconnect with their child at graduation from the wilderness program
Although our culture has lost this model, it can be recreated at home. At SUWS of the Carolinas, families learn to replace negative rituals with positive ones. Positive rituals can be anything where the focus is on connection, such as:
Family meals or game/movie nights
Walks after dinner
Weekend activities or projects
Special one-on-one time with each child
Family vacations
“We spend a lot of time helping families translate what they’ve learned in wilderness therapy to the home environment,’ says Moffitt. “Truth circles, ‘I feel’ statements and other experiences can all become features of family rituals.”
Overcoming these parenting challenges is a long-term process that builds over time. For many families, the best way to begin this process is at a wilderness therapy program that takes a comprehensive look not only at the struggling teen but also the entire family system. With guidance and support, families can learn the skills they need to face a changing world together.
